Perky

perk·y ˈpərkē:  Adj. Cheerful and Lively!

This is the name I was called for the first five years of my life.  I didn't know my actual name was Gloria until the day before the first day of school.   I asked my mother how to spell my name (Perky) so that I could have a bit of an edge in my kindergarten class the next day.  Much to my surprise, I was told my name was Gloria and not Perky.  It was quite embarassing sitting in class on the first day and completely not responding when this name, Gloria, was called because it really wasn't my name yet.  It took me a while to take full ownership of it.  

During the Yoga retreat I attended last weekend I had a visit from Perky.  You read right.  During one of the morning meditation sessions, my young self paid me a visit and I'd like to tell you about it and what I think it meant.  What you will read next is taken directly from my journal ... here goes!

Sunday, October 9, 2011:


Today is the last day of my Yoga retreat and during morning meditation I had a visit from Perky ... my young self.  I first appeared as a shy little silhouette; then as the figure sharpened, I recognized it as me!   I was wearing green pants, a white top, white sandals with the straps under my heals instead of on them, with white barrettes in my hair.  It was like I stepped right out of one of the only photos I have of myself as a youngster.

There was my little self looking up at me with awe and wonder in her eyes.  Perky was offering me something cupped in the palms of her hands ... her arms were lovingly stretched out to me.  And there in my young hands was a lotus flower.  Only the night before I had learned what the lotus flower symbolizes:

The lotus flower is one of the most ancient and deepest symbols of our planet.  The lotus flower grows in muddy water and rises above the surface to bloom with remarkable beauty. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater, at dawn it rises and opens again. Untouched by the impurity, lotus symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. The lotus flower represents long life, health, honor ... light!

I accepted this blossom, this light from my young self with the full understanding of what it meant.  Perky was proud of me.  She looked upon the woman we've become with fascination, awe and wonder because she knows better than anyone that we started with nothing, we often times felt inferior, and we certainly couldn't have imagined the path our life has taken!  The lotus was what connected Perky to me.  We had blossomed from nothing into who we are today ... and she was proud.

Pride was the last thing I was feeling when I arrived at the Tilton House to begin my 3-day Yoga journey.  I came to this retreat feeling like a failure.  Like my life hasn't really mattered and like I've not really done anything important.  My intention for my practice was to get some clarity as to what I was going to do with myself.  Since moving to the UK just over a year ago, I've been feeling very small and lost ... like all the things that made me "me" in the US only made me invisible in the UK.  I'm not quite sure how to be me in England. I've also realized that I've spent my whole life trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be and I've consistently failed at this. I've never been the "favorite" and I have so often wanted to be.

My talent has been treated as mediocre by so many people that I sometimes follow suit.  It's hard to believe in yourself when no one else does. I've tried so hard all my life and it's exhausting.  I seem to always be trying to get noticed, trying to have my talents recognized, trying to be good enough ... well, I'm sick of trying.  I just want to be me ... even though right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am.  I just want to be happy with the life I've lived and with the life I'm living.  I want to be proud of myself!

Perky is proud of me.  She looked up at me and I could see utter happiness and contentment radiating from her face.  Like she couldn't believe the life we're living.  I smiled at my little self and took the lotus blossom in our hands and allowed the light to shine between us.  Then she turned and started to walk away, waving as she went ... leaving me with the light!

I so enjoyed my brief visit from my self as I was so many years ago, and I will continue to let the light of simply being shine through me, and at dawn of each new day I will rise and open again to the possibilities of life!