Perky

perk·y ˈpərkē:  Adj. Cheerful and Lively!

This is the name I was called for the first five years of my life.  I didn't know my actual name was Gloria until the day before the first day of school.   I asked my mother how to spell my name (Perky) so that I could have a bit of an edge in my kindergarten class the next day.  Much to my surprise, I was told my name was Gloria and not Perky.  It was quite embarassing sitting in class on the first day and completely not responding when this name, Gloria, was called because it really wasn't my name yet.  It took me a while to take full ownership of it.  

During the Yoga retreat I attended last weekend I had a visit from Perky.  You read right.  During one of the morning meditation sessions, my young self paid me a visit and I'd like to tell you about it and what I think it meant.  What you will read next is taken directly from my journal ... here goes!

Sunday, October 9, 2011:


Today is the last day of my Yoga retreat and during morning meditation I had a visit from Perky ... my young self.  I first appeared as a shy little silhouette; then as the figure sharpened, I recognized it as me!   I was wearing green pants, a white top, white sandals with the straps under my heals instead of on them, with white barrettes in my hair.  It was like I stepped right out of one of the only photos I have of myself as a youngster.

There was my little self looking up at me with awe and wonder in her eyes.  Perky was offering me something cupped in the palms of her hands ... her arms were lovingly stretched out to me.  And there in my young hands was a lotus flower.  Only the night before I had learned what the lotus flower symbolizes:

The lotus flower is one of the most ancient and deepest symbols of our planet.  The lotus flower grows in muddy water and rises above the surface to bloom with remarkable beauty. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater, at dawn it rises and opens again. Untouched by the impurity, lotus symbolizes the purity of heart and mind. The lotus flower represents long life, health, honor ... light!

I accepted this blossom, this light from my young self with the full understanding of what it meant.  Perky was proud of me.  She looked upon the woman we've become with fascination, awe and wonder because she knows better than anyone that we started with nothing, we often times felt inferior, and we certainly couldn't have imagined the path our life has taken!  The lotus was what connected Perky to me.  We had blossomed from nothing into who we are today ... and she was proud.

Pride was the last thing I was feeling when I arrived at the Tilton House to begin my 3-day Yoga journey.  I came to this retreat feeling like a failure.  Like my life hasn't really mattered and like I've not really done anything important.  My intention for my practice was to get some clarity as to what I was going to do with myself.  Since moving to the UK just over a year ago, I've been feeling very small and lost ... like all the things that made me "me" in the US only made me invisible in the UK.  I'm not quite sure how to be me in England. I've also realized that I've spent my whole life trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be and I've consistently failed at this. I've never been the "favorite" and I have so often wanted to be.

My talent has been treated as mediocre by so many people that I sometimes follow suit.  It's hard to believe in yourself when no one else does. I've tried so hard all my life and it's exhausting.  I seem to always be trying to get noticed, trying to have my talents recognized, trying to be good enough ... well, I'm sick of trying.  I just want to be me ... even though right now, I'm trying to figure out who I am.  I just want to be happy with the life I've lived and with the life I'm living.  I want to be proud of myself!

Perky is proud of me.  She looked up at me and I could see utter happiness and contentment radiating from her face.  Like she couldn't believe the life we're living.  I smiled at my little self and took the lotus blossom in our hands and allowed the light to shine between us.  Then she turned and started to walk away, waving as she went ... leaving me with the light!

I so enjoyed my brief visit from my self as I was so many years ago, and I will continue to let the light of simply being shine through me, and at dawn of each new day I will rise and open again to the possibilities of life!

Self-Esteem

I have discovered a wonderful blog ... MyThoughtCoach ... and wanted to share it with you.  I particularly enjoyed the post on Self-Esteem.

It is so easy to base our self-esteem on external things when those things really have absolutely nothing to do with who we are and what makes us great.  I've attached a song from my CD, Life Lessons, that speaks to the idea that we're not what we do, but who we are.

I recently asked myself who I was outside of being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, singer, songwriter ... what's left?  Or better yet, who's left?  Just me ... a human ... being, not a human ... doing!  Because I'm a person who likes to be in control and enjoys being busy, it's very hard to just be and allow myself to live in the moment.  I'm getting better at it and what I find helpful these days is meditation ... sometimes guided, and sometimes silent.  Through meditation, my thoughts are directed to stillness which allows me to see, feel and understand me a bit better.  MyThoughtCoach offers a lot of great guided meditations, so if you're looking to tap in to you, I encourage you to visit this website and discover who you are without all the stuff!

Enjoy ...

Gratitude!

Hello, my name is Gloria Miller, and I'm a whiner!  Ah, let the healing begin.

No one said moving to a new country would be easy, but that's no excuse for the amount of whining I've been doing lately.  My poor husband has to put up with my constant mood swings, while being forced to ride the roller coaster of my emotions.  He's been absolutely brilliant at being there for me while maintaining his own sanity.  I'm sure it helps that he travels a lot so he misses out on some of my mania.

Over the weekend while wallowing in my own self-pity, I was also browsing Oprah.com and found so much inspiration.  The running theme that screamed out to me was Oprah's gratitude for the life she's been blessed with.  Take a look at this clip:  http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Oprahs-Finale-Sign-Off-Video.  This is the final sign off for the Oprah Winfrey Show. 

After I watched this clip I stopped the whining and began to thank God for all that is amazing about my life.  The list was long and the remembering sweet!  Just that slight shift in my focus put a pep in my step, a smile on my face and a new determination in my heart to focus on the positive and live in the NOW!

What are you most greatful for today?  I look forward to gaining inspiration and insights from your gratitude.  Leave your thoughts in the comments section!

Glo.

Nourishment

During my month-long hiatus I met the most amazing baby … Sweet Annie. Annie is a ball of sunshine and her smile simply melts your heart. Honestly, every time she smiled I wanted to give her money … and she smiled A LOT! Annie belongs to one of my best friends, Kimberly!


I had an epiphany while watching Kimberly care for Annie … and I want to share it with you. Kimberly was bringing Annie back into the front room after nursing her and I noticed that Annie’s cheeks were very rosy … no really, it looked like she had red Christmas lights in her cheeks. I asked Kimberly about it and she said that this happened all the time after Annie would nurse. It dawned on me that Annie was showing physical signs of being nourished by her mother! She sometimes even looked a little tipsy after nursing because her mother’s milk was so satisfying!

The idea of being nourished went around in my head for several days after my visit with the beautiful Lies family, and then when I was having lunch with my sister Ruth, she asked me how I liked being married and I said to her that I had rosy cheeks. She looked at me a bit strange until I told her about Annie! Later, I started to wonder if I’m being nourished in all the areas of my life … physically, mentally, spiritually and in my relationships.

Physically … am I making good choices about the food I put in my body? Am I exercising as much as I should? (Well, now I am ‘cause I’m training for a marathon.) Mentally … am I making good choices about how I spend my time? Am I resting enough? (After a month’s vacation, yeah, I think so!) Am I learning new things and challenging my brain? (Use it or lose it!) Spiritually … am I connected to my local church? (I’m working on it.) Am I able to still myself enough to connect with God? Can I feel his guidance? Relationships … am I surrounded by toxic people? Do I have the strength to walk away from toxic people? Am I a good friend?

I’m not sure if my cheeks are “Annie” rosy in all of these areas, but I do feel nourished in them. What about you … are your cheeks rosy? If you feel that they aren’t in any one of these areas, then it’s up to you to connect with the things that nourish you and to walk away from the things that don’t!

Love,
Glo.

There is Therefore Now

I am the first one to admit that I probably watch too much TV, especially in the “reality” TV era where talent is no longer in the equation for fame. However, sometimes you’ll find a place of solace amid the noise that drowns our airwaves. I found this place in the middle of an episode of “Without A Trace.” One of the actors said, “screw the results and enjoy the process!” and it stopped me in my tracks. Here’s what I got from that statement … “The result of life is death, the process of life is living, enjoy the process.”

 

This is a Great Read!

Maybe as I come into middle age I'm more aware of my own mortality and often this awareness colors my thoughts and even my actions. Death is inevitable, but life is NOW! So hearing that statement reminded me that the only true power we really possess is the power of now. I think we need to pour as much living into the moment. I often quote this scripture from the Bible … “There is therefore NOW …” Not the past or the future. But now! This is a powerful place in which to live!



Hope

Why did I have a panic attack at 12:05 am New Year’s Day? Why was the idea of starting a new year, this one in particular, so frightening? What I do know is that fear is irrational so I’ve decided to start there in trying to understand why crying uncontrollably over my pink champagne was my first act of 2011.

I know that my fears have absolutely no basis because faith in God is the foundation of my life. The beginning of a year is always such a hopeful time, however, it’s a big responsibility when you have this brand new, mistake-free year starring you in the face. You can’t help feeling that the New Year will magically be different than the old one, and you hope that you’ll magically be different too. You some how feel that come January 1st you'll stick to a healthy diet, you'll have the energy to get everything done that you need too, you'll be more diligent in yyour work and in pursuing our goals and dreams, and the list goes on and on and on. The reality is December 31st and January 1st are no different than any other two days! Why do we think they are? 

This question brings me back to hope!  The challenge then becomes how do we keep hope going throughout the year … beyond the first week of the year when we all feel invincible? Setting quarterly goals is a good way because every three months you can renew those hopeful feelings you had at the beginning of the year by seeing what you've accomplished so far, and by refocusing on your next set of goals.  Something I’d like to focus on this year is not wasting the precious time that I’m given on this earth with activities that aren’t yielding results or enriching my life in anyway. I’m a firm believer of working hard and playing hard, and I think a part of working hard, while maximizing how you use your time, is working smart. Smart people don’t waste time. I’m reminded of something I heard Denzel Washington say on the Oprah show … “Do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do.” Sometimes we waste valuable time because we don’t want to tackle the task at hand. However, if you get the things done that you have to, that frees you up to do the fun stuff!

Then there’s the fear of the unknown. There’s so much happening in our world and life is full of ups and downs, joys and sorrows … yet, we journey on trusting that God is with us every step of the way. With this thought, my fears always fade away knowing that God is ordering my steps and that my future is safely in His hands.

A few minutes after my New Year’s day panic attack, I accepted that the fears that caused it were completely irrational and allowed myself to hope … knowing that my faith in God will give substance to everything I hope 2011 will bring!

Keep hope alive!!!